Brookes - the new Hogarth

HAT TIP to Peter Brookes, the Times Newspaper cartoonist. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

So, I have been bullied back into Blogging after a severe dose of apathy. A few notes on the most prominent themes while I have been away:

Alan Johnson truly deserves contempt. At the height of a wide ranging national ‘youth’ scandal (worst place to be a child in the developed world, youth gun crime, gangs and male displacement), Mr Johnson commits himself to the single policy most responsible for the problem – the abandonment of marriage. Marriage and family are the essential building blocks of society. Withdrawing Government support for marriage in search of some liberal utopia is criminal dereliction of the youth it ultimately betrays. New Labour have made their bed, and they must now lie in it. Never has a cartoon ever summed up my feelings as this one by Brookes. If the rights were acquired by the Tories and used properly, this single cartoon could and should bring this government down.

The contest for the Leadership of the Labour Party is hotting up in true New Labour style. Milburn and Clarke’s launch of their ‘debate’ is little more than we have come to expect from this tawdry bunch. Its deceit is so transparent. Its propagators lie and spin their way through a press conference claiming that their purpose is to raise policy issues – but not one single policy is discussed. This cowardly, deceitful approach to politics is precisely the legacy that Blair leaves behind and precisely the reason why this leadership campaign is doomed to failure. All Cameron has to do is be honest, decent, open and true, and he will sweep these desperados from power.

The contest for the Deputy Leadership of the Labour Party interests me not. With one exception. The very fact that it is underway before we, or more particularly they, know who the next Leader of the Party is. They appear to be saying that they are happy to be deputy leader to any of Brown, Meacher, McDonnell, Miliband or Milburn and as such their political credibility is shot and their self serving rush for power is beneath contempt.

If I see another moment of media coverage of either Jade Goody, Anna Nicole Smith or that other brainless female, Danielle, I will lose all sense of decorum. The media does many great things but its creation and propagation of the cult of celebrity is an evil that must be brought to a rapid end.

Ireland have finally grown up. Patronising though that may be, I speak as man with significant quantities of Irish blood but who has grown up knowing nothing but Irish petulance and violence. I have stood between them and witnessed their bigotry first hand. As such, I expected little from the crowd at the highly charged, Nationalist venue, Croke Park in Dublin for the Ireland vs. England Rugby international. For those unaware, Croke Park is the now impressive Gaelic Football stadium in which, in 1920, British troops took revenge for the killing of British agents by opening fire indiscriminately during a football game killing 14 people. Since when the stadium has stood as a bastion of nationalism and until just two weeks ago had NEVER played host to any international team. I was deeply moved therefore, by the all round decency of the crowd last Saturday. Their applause for the English team, their silence (to a man) for the British National Anthem and their generosity in victory. Fantastic game of rugby!

I'm afraid Mrs Blair is unavailable today...

I have to say, I find it quite hysterical that rumours are circulating (falsely no doubt) that Mrs "Never known to miss a bargain" Blair cancelled appointments and court hearings in her mad dash to join the throng on the Devon beach earlier in the week.

Devolution revolutions

What a fuss about nothing.

People want a bit of parity and fairness and everyone over-reacts, claiming that the UK will fall apart. What rubbish.

New Labour tactics are crude and self interested (as always). A Scots dominated government gave Scotland a little of what they wanted a decade ago, and just as it threatens to bring the party to a close, they start scaremongering.

If English MPs have no say in how public money is spent on health and education in Scotland and Wales, why should Scottish and Welsh MPs have a say on English spending. There is nothing wrong in pointing out the absurdity of certain people having a vote in issues which do not affect the people they represent or govern.

If that was acceptable we would have welcomed the Nazis with open arms. But it is not acceptable and we are right to demand that our “leaders” put right what they have screwed up.

This Government should have fallen the day that Scottish MPs imposed tuition fees on English Universities and students just to protect the Government from an embarrassing defeat. This is vastly more iniquitous than the poll tax trial in Scotland ever was, and that issue directly brought about Thatcher’s demise.

Devolution is very simple to operate. It is quite simple – just exclude Scottish and Welsh MP’s from debates and votes concerning any issues which are already decided upon under devolved powers in Edinburgh and Cardiff.

You don’t need a new building, you don’t need any new politicians and you don’t need a new flag.

You just need some common sense and a willingness to ask one simple question – will the outcome of this vote directly affect the people of Scotland and Wales. If yes, Scottish and Welsh MPs vote, if no, they don’t.

Tricky isn’t it.

The camera never lies

This is the second time in a couple of weeks that those behind the cameras have been scorned and scolded for the actions in front of the camera.

Previously we had the debate concerning Saddam’s execution and the outrage that it had been filmed and was being shown on TV and on the internet. The manner of Saddam’s execution told the truth about Iraq and the strongest complaints came from those most upset that the truth had been exposed. It was in effect the perfect ending to Bush and Blair’s personal crusade and their ignorant misadventure. But instead of accepting the reality of what they saw, they tried to damn those who dared film it.

Iraq lies in tatters and the vengeful and hateful manner of his execution gave a pretty big clue as to how the next 20 years of Iraqi affairs will pan out. Anyway, as an aside, we all know that Blair’s speciality is breaking things he doesn’t like and then staring at the pieces without any idea how to put them back together.

How many history lessons does it take to learn that if you remove a suppressive dictator, you either accept that a new, bloody and vengeful power struggle will ensue, or you must replace it immediately with an equally forceful leadership.


Now we have Big Brother who crime is simply to film and broadcast the true character of “beasts” that we have created and which we conspire to create through our tacit condoning of modern contrived culture.

These people exist because we created them and because we allow them to.

The camera never lies and broadcasters do us a greater service than we care to imagine. People always say that before you can change, you must first see and accept what is wrong. Thanks to TV, society finally has the looking glass is so badly needs.

Keep the cameras rolling

It is absolutely crucial that the cameras of Endemol keep rolling. Indeed, all evictions should be suspended just to make sure that this situation continues as long as possible.

You see the Big Brother house currently hosts the perfect microcosm of society as a whole.

We have so many features being played out. We have raw selfish ambition. We have astonishing ignorance and stupidity. We have youthful intimidation. We have supine cowardliness. We have spiritual condescension. Our shallow, vacuous, selfish, disrespectful society writ large.

That Joe, Jade and Danielle are celebrated in society at any level is an insult to every molecule of my being.
That they are as unintelligent and ill educated as they are is the most potent comment one could make about a decade of New Labour education policies.
That they act as they do is the most accurate reflection of that generation of our young white population.

That the older people in the house do nothing is diabolical and yet unsurprising. It happens in every walk of life every day.

The girlie gang’s behaviour is tawdry and offensive. It verges on racism in as much as they are basing their dislike for Shilpa on her cultural mannerisms and traditions. I would suggest that their primary crime is bullying, but it is strongly supplemented with racial aggravation. When cats in a sack fight, the hissing and scratching is prolific.

Shilpa, however, knows exactly what she is doing and is more in control of the situation than most of the 15,000 complainants give her credit. She is in the house for ambitious personal gain. She is clearly as manipulative as any motivated woman can be. She is playing the audience well and they are responding superbly.

Regular readers of this blog know just how important an impact I believe a leader has on those they lead and so none will be surprised when I suggest that what we are seeing in the Big Brother House this month is exactly the advert I would make for a decade of Blair’s Britain. Big Brother is Blair’s real legacy. Big Brother epitomises the Blair years.

The cameras hold a mirror up to society and we don’t like what we see.
Thank god for that.
Perhaps we are now as close as ever to the point at which society fights back.

P.S. I would of course love to know just how many of the 15k complainants laugh heartily at Little Britain and the racially inspired humour derived from the Indian lady in the Fat Fighters Club. “Say it again?!”

Another fine mess

I hate Blair with a passion and today’s headline just sums up why. It has been this Government's most consistent tactic - to (deliberately) screw things up, and then seek credit for cleaning up their own mess.

He has spent the last decade patrolling the world throwing British people and resources at any and every problem he can find. Kosovo, Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, Iraq. His ego knows no bounds, especially when other people are cashing the cheques.

So, the world is in chaos; the Middle East is in turmoil; new unstable countries are pursuing nuclear capability; a full scale War of Terror is underway; our Armed Forces are in melt down - stretched to breaking point and criminally underfunded; our expedition / crusade to Iraq has failed; and Afghanistan could rage for another ten years, just as it did for the Russians.

So having broken this particular toy, what is Tony’s answer – to have a debate about what role Britain should have in the World today.

The only reason we need a debate, Tony, is because you have made such a total and incomprehendable mess of it all. Oh, and by the way, the rest of us have been debating this very question for a number of years. It is just that you haven't noticed or cared.

He is without question the most contemptible and unthinking Prime Minister we have ever had.

Unbearably brilliant

All I ever hope for is that some significant part of my life coincides with a period in which my national team are the best in the world at my favourite sport.

Football fans of my generation will sympathise with that sentiment, I am sure. We have been nearly-rans in World football since 1986 and with such a fabulously talented squad of players.

When you think you are nearly there, a thrashing like this is quite unbearable. Worst of all, it is the sort of ‘video nasty’ you just have watch.

Another “worst” aspect of this debacle was the fact that deep down, you knew we were on the receiving end of something very special. I wished I could have been neutral and been able to enjoy it for what it was – cricket history and the swansong of two of crickets living legends. Shane Warne is the first sportsman whose career and mastery I watched as it happened and who will still be talked about in 100 years. He is my Pele, my Mohammed Ali, my Bradman. I should have enjoyed it more. I should have seen him live.

Since an inquiry into England’s loss is soon to commence, and they will almost certainly consult this blog for views, I really had better provide some.

England were whitewashed the day the Aussie squad AGREED to partake in a boot camp last year. It told me everything I needed to know about their seriousness, their humility and their commitment to each other. I, and now they, understand the monumental importance of a shared hardship in building the team. I come from a culture of “train hard, fight easy” and the Aussies approach to this series is its epitomy. I emphasise the word ‘agreed’ because in England, even if such an idea made it to first base, it would have been laughed out of Court. Go on, suggest it now – see what happens.

England were whitewashed because our BOWLING was atrocious. Batting may be the glorious face of cricket but bowling is the only aspect that matters. You see the ONLY way to WIN a test match is to bowl the opposition out twice. You can score a thousand runs, but if you only take 19 wickets, you draw. It really doesn’t matter how good your batsmen are (and ours really are pretty good), if your bowlers let the opposition back into the game at every turn, confidence wanes, fluency departs, runs dry up and the old middle order collapse becomes endemic. In the crucial 2nd Test, our batsmen scored a massive 1st innings total, only to watch their bowlers throw the advantage away. Its like pouring water into a bath with the plug out – pointless and demoralizing.

England were whitewashed because we didn’t have a Captain. Flintoff may be an incomparable all rounder, he may be a talisman, he may be capable of turning a game, but he is not a leader and he is not a Captain. He cannot even spell the words and must be sacked immediately. I am pretty much alone in this observation. The TV pundits won’t touch him but he is to blame. The Captaincy quite obviously suffocated his own game and his strategies were hopeless. But worst of all, Flintoff doesn’t have the courage to stand apart from the team. He tries to lead by having pals, which of course means that your team splits into two camps and falls apart under pressure. He was powerless to help the floundering Harmison and he wouldn’t fire Jones or Giles until the Ashes were lost because they are all best mates. Just remember, this is the man who was received by our Queen completely pissed. How we laughed.

In summary, I believe that:

Giles, G Jones (wkpr), Mahmood and Anderson should not play for England again.

Harmison and Trescothick must be put in last chance saloon and asked to find their own way back to the top. Only then will we know if they really want it. Is Harmison a tough Durham miner or is he a wet, Essex lady-boy?

Dogged though he is, Collingwood must make way for Vaughan, who must play at number 6 initially.

Flintoff must hand the Captaincy back to Vaughan and return to the ranks where he is most effective.

Strauss must be Vice Captain at all times.

The search for a strong wicket keeper / batsman goes on, but trust me every candidate under the age of 23 knows exactly what they have to do, and will stop at nothing to achieve it. One of them will make it.

The ECB must face up to their error and pay any price to bring Troy Cooley back as our bowling coach.

Young bowlers such as Lewis, Tremlett, Plunkett and Broad must square up for the two places available in support of Hoggard, Flintoff and Panesar.

Our batsmen must be reminded that scoring runs is a matter of pride under any circumstances and regardless of how crap everyone else around you is. Cricket may be a team game but at the crease, you are on your own and should be as selfishly determined to succeed as Tiger Woods or Roger Federer.

Strauss, Cook, Bell, Pietersen, Flintoff, Vaughan, Wicketkeeper, Panesar, Hoggard, fast bowler, fast bowler. That’s the order and we have three un-named spaces. Go for your lives this summer, boys. Fight for it. The others all have.

We really do have a fantastic (and young) team here, but it must be lead properly, it must have ruthlessly disciplined and effective bowlers and it must live and breathe as one through thick and thin. It must also know that success comes from greatness, and greatest is not borne on the back of winning one perilously close Ashes series.

Man the wire. English tourist on the loose!

What follows is the content of an email I received this evening from a friend describing his most wonderful encounter with Federal Agents protecting the US capital. It is published with consent but anonymously.

"Mohammed Al-Touristkh" as we shall call him, is a great friend and a very loyal servant of the Crown. He is taking some time out between arduous postings to visit the States (and undertake some serious 'courting' of a delightful babe called Amanda!).

Here is the story. This is what we are fighting for in Iraq and Afghanistan!


Howdie folks,

Just thought I would fill you in with the latest from N America. I haven't been in touch much but I spent about 3 weeks in Canada - 11 days of that skiing.

Anyways, I am currently in Washington DC visiting a friend from Baghdad and doing some sightseeing.

Sooo, I've done the Capitol, seen the White House (hey's it is sooo much smaller in real life compared to TV), the memorials on the Mall etc. etc. Very impressive. Really inspiring.

So, what's left? hmmm.

Well, I think I'll go to Arlington Cemetery (well worth a visit by the way). So, on the way to the Cemetery on the Metro is the Pentagon.

First mistake: I had a thought off the top of my head. Spontaneity will kill me one of these days.

I kinda know there won't be much to see but nothing prepared me for the reception I got. I come up from the Metro and clearly the Metro is right (I mean right) by the entrance to the Pentagon. OK, so I've worked in a few security sensitive environments.

I like to think I am becoming worldly but am I naive?

I ask the kindly security guard where I can walk around, admitting I am a tourist.

BIG mistake.

I have no Kalashinkov on me, I am not wearing a beard. No rucsac. So, they say you can't see anything, no photos. Fair enough.

I was just standing there having got off the tube. Imagine being at the gates at the end of Downing St - kinda like that. You're not going anywhere, not asking to go anywhere. Rather, you're asking where you should not go.

They ask for ID. So I show them my driving licence - which the guard disappears with for a while. Next step:

"Sir, please walk forward. Remove your hands from your pocket." I had ipod wires sprouting from my pockets.

"Sir, please empty your pockets. Show me what those wires are attached to. What's in that pocket." Crikey, what have I done?

"Sir, I would like to ask you some questions." Out comes the form.

I also want to ask a few questions, sir.

Then we go through all my intimates name, address, height, age, weight. Well, not as fat as half your country, sir.

What's the address of your hotel. Oh, well that's not too hard, I've got a card in my pocket that has the address. But I have to put down my book on my counter and I know what'll happen. I smirk inwardly. You've gotta enjoy this bit. Just out of sheer playfulness.

So I inwardly sigh with delight as I place my book down face upwards, on his desk. "Taliban" rages the front cover. Come on, sir, it's a good read.

I don't need to look into the guard's eyes to see flashing lights, sirens, alarm bells go off. The whole lot. I half expect to look down and see a red dot somewhere on my chest.

I am playing it utterly straight at this point despite my mind working overtime. I am NOT provoking. I understand what is going on. It's just a slightly unexpected version of what can happen anywhere at anytime in Iraq.

Question, "Where do you work, sir." For the U.S. Government, sir! 53rd Division, Blair Brigade, sir.

I answer, "For the Foreign Office (pause). Kinda like your State Department."

"Where?"

"I've spent the last six months in Baghdad." I was sort of disappointed. He was not very impressed.

I have been detained at this checkpoint for 20 mins by now. They still have my licence.

Now you'll love what happens next.

Ah, the suits appear, aka "The Feds." A pair of them. The short one is wearing a pink shirt and all cold smiles. The tall one is in a brown leather jacket; he'll be playing the bad cop.

"Sir, what are you doing here? When did you come into the country? When are you leaving?"

Am I in Hollywood? I'm not sure I've got enough make-up on for this sort of role.

I have my hands in my pockets.

"Sir, please remove your hands from your pockets." My Dad always said never to put your hands in your pockets. Now, I know why.

This is just too much. I try for a bit of childish, brazen antics. I put my hands in the air. They didn't like this.

I give a bit back after another few questions. Not aggressive, I just try it on. Fortunately, they are badly trained. They get provoked and show it. Pathetic. This is not security, this is a bureaucratic waste of time. The CIA is clearly so large they have people who have far too much spare time to enter stupid, pointless data into.

Anyway, they are basically conciliatory but it takes a while to get to that point.

The problem was I had unknowingly stepped onto federal property. Unfortunately that happened pretty much immediately after I got off the Metro - I'm serious. And I didn't have my passport on me which would have showed that I had not been smuggled in with some coke from Afghanistan, if you know what I mean.

Things are a little lighter now. They give me some advice. Carry your passport, sir. Fair enough, that makes sense. I had already recommended to them that they have a sign saying that security restrictions are in place. They have more advice.

"Even been seen reading that book on the Metro. Someone might make a phone call and report..."

What?

"What about freedom of speech?"

"... people are scared of dying." Some people clearly are.

I'm scared of dying intellectually. Are you scared? Is your country, sir? Is it scared of asking, quizzing, being curious, being inquisitive, asking what you shouldn't ask, being different, finding out more, not accepting what you are told, going beyond the conventional.

I walk off, my mind a whirlwind. Freedom, stupid bureaucracy, the image of US overseas, 9/11, liberty, security, state of fear, debate, or lack of it, authoritarianism, militarism.

My first interaction with the federal government of the United States of America has just taken approximately 55 minutes out of my life.

Now I know them.

And they know me.

How to deal with a marketing caller

Give yourself a couple of minutes, kick back and laugh out loud...

Click here.

Hat tip to www.stephenpollard.net

The Perth Test

The England team for the 3rd Test in Perth should be:

Strauss (Captain)
Cook
Bell
Pietersen
Flintoff
Collingwood
Read
Mahmood
Hoggard
Harmison
Panesar

Six batsmen; 7 bowlers; 1 decent wickie.

Strauss must be Captain. Then and only then will he come to the party.
Cook will get there (remember, Bell was worse than this in 2005!)
Bell is on the verge of something special.
Number 4 is the place for the best batsman. KP must move up and send out a more positive message.
5 is the place for devastation and for the world’s best all rounder. Enter Freddie breathing fire.
Despite his double century, Colly is a dependable support act for superior batsmen above him and also the best man to bat with the tail to maximum effect.
Keepers are there to take wickets and save runs. He is technically better at that than Jones.
Mahmood is as good a bowler as Anderson and will support Hoggard and Flintoff more effectively. As it happens he is also a cocky batsman who loves to get whatever runs he can.
Monty may be quiet and unassuming, but he is also lethal.